I gotta say it. I can't keep quiet. Even if no one ever reads this...at least these words are out there and not completely bottled up. I have a feeling by the end of the night i might at least tell one soul...but he may even forget.
I think i made a mistake. im SO fucking self-destructive. If I feel a certain way...I have to cause negativity in my life. I have to self-destruct in some form or another. I honestly have to say that im soooo torn between what was and what is. I get through my day thinking I'm ok. I laugh at work...laugh at home...enjoy a semi decent portion of my day and I can forget about how much of a fool i am.
this is the first time ive ever felt this way. its SO freaking weird. im nineteen. i know its naive of me to say this...but i think ive experienced everything a "normal" person has experienced. i always believe that i can handle most any situation because of my observation of what has and what is. but no. im spiraling out of control. I find myself wandering to your realm. reading about you. and seeing how well you're doing. I have people who are there for me...yet these people have their own lives to worry bout...they dont have time to be consoling me every moment of my despair. I cant help but be tortured by the idea of you with someone else. I can't. it wont comprehend. and here I am...trying to get over it even more...pursuing my own path and partner...but even still i feel like my efforts will be in vain.
I'm alone...and yet i think you have the whole world with you...keeping you up...im not saying my friends are bad at it...i just think they have better things to do that constantly keep me up. they do keep me up...just not all the time...
i can't help but think that I wasn't good enough for you now. that everything i put myself up to be is just flase and fake. im beginning to doubt myself...i feel my health getting worse...and though ive told myself im getting better...deep down im not...im spiraling to my own self destruction..im like a ship stuck in a whirlpool... a ship oblivious and obscenely aware of my impending doom.
i want someone to save me...and yet now im super picky about who...one person catches my eye...a couple ive given second thoughts about...and then theres you...whom deep down until i get over this rut of mine will continue to be the one my heart seems to be truly after...
but its too late now...words have been said...actions have been taken. i can't let myself succumb to this burning desire which would only further prove my foolishness and desperateness.
ive made a huge mistake...the biggest regret ill ever have...theres nothing i could do about my pain and sorrow. i can only hide it...only to have it resurface ten fold and at unpredictable moments.
to be honest...this is my first real break up ever in my entire life. love was involved...even more maybe, who knows? only the person that I was a week ago knows.
i dont know what to do with myself...
Follow Your Heart. Lest you regret all your decisions.
